


no excuse for the state we're in

by CaffeineChic



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Enemies to Lovers, Ineffable Bureaucracy, Jerks to Lovers, Other, big gabe catches feels, the beez does what they please, two idiots walk into a lift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:01:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeineChic/pseuds/CaffeineChic
Summary: 5 times Gabriel and Beelzebub found themselves in the same lift, and one time they didn’t.Gabriel laughed despite himself. They were quite funny in a very horrifying way. He cast his eyes over their small frame. Assessed - Small. Compact. Deadly. He could definitely pick them up with one hand under their arm and yet - he was sure they could have him on the ground with little effort.Wasn't that a thought.Oh.Oh no.
Relationships: Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 54
Kudos: 175





	no excuse for the state we're in

**Author's Note:**

> This was born of the GO Events Server Name the Author Round 5 where the initial prompt was along the lines of "There is a door that should never be open. It's open." Initially 500 words...and now we have all this....god and gritty help us all.
> 
> a huge and immense thanks to [Princip1914](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princip1914) who beta'd this with some serious magic and cracking suggestions.
> 
> and a forever thanks to Alias424 who continues to put up with me tap tapping away with the patience of a saint.

1.

It would be a mistake to believe that one simply waltzed into Heaven or walked into Hell. Waltzing was in fact firmly discouraged due to the amount of touching involved. Hell simply preferred to drag you in by your heels.

The escalators to gain entrance above and below were for the staff. The lifts, on the other hand, were for the executives. Two executives. A Lord. An Archangel. Two lifts. Each inaccessible to the other.

(The back channel that didn't exist ran along the service stairway where pineapple Perrier & Juice water made its way upstairs, while peach & cherry made its way below. Neither of them would be caught dead, or eternally alive in the service stairway.)

Beelzebub wasn't watching where they were going, which was a choice they refused to defend because fuck you just get out of the way. They had a meeting that they were a suitably horrendous thirty seven minutes late for. They didn't look up from their phone when the door pinged open again, busy trolling their way through twitter.

Gabriel wasn't watching where he was going, which was a choice he felt needed no defense as the Host always parted in front of him like the Red Sea. He had a meeting that he was precisely four minutes early for. He didn't look up from his phone as he stepped through the door, busy explaining to a misinformed young woman on twitter why her joke simply wasn't funny. They collided with Gabriel's solid mass at the threshold and stumbled back.

"Oh for fuck sake."

"That language is unnecessary!"

Their eyes rolled firmly in their sockets. "You're not supposed to be in here."

" _You're_ not supposed to be in _here_."

"Listen wank wingzzz I know what door I went through."

"Heaven doesn't make mistakes, Beelzebub."

"Piouzzz cock."

Gabriel took a deep and cleansing breath, gathered all his heavenly infused calm and remembered that _he_ was a Good Guy. The Best Guy? He'd have Sandalphon check that later.

"What floor?"

"Fuck you. 6." (Technically it was -6. Beelzebub didn't strike him as someone concerned with technicalities. He hit the button for them.) He could see the grumble roll out of them. "Still cleaning up shit from The Thing."

Gabriel nodded in commiseration. The paperwork was frankly excessive. He wondered how Sandalphon was getting on with it. "Team building on 9. Morale has been frayed since...The Thing."

"Least I can sell mine as a shitty demon being a complete fucking fuck. You?"

"Defection to the opposition."

They eyed him warily - "He hasn't fallen." (They were right. They'd know if he had, would surely be rubbing it in his face.)

"No. He hasn't. It's - " He paused. "...not ideal. Sets a bad precedent. A Principality and a Demon."

"Pair of pricks is what they are."

Gabriel laughed despite himself. They were quite funny in a very horrifying way. He cast his eyes over their small frame. Assessed - Small. Compact. Deadly. He could definitely pick them up with one hand under their arm and yet - he was sure they could have him on the ground with little effort.

Wasn't that a thought.

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh no no.

(A door unlatched inside him. The thought wound spindly fingers around its frame. Clacked nails against the wood.)

He couldn't be thinking this. Couldn't be wondering what it would be like to be pushed to the lift floor by the Crown Prince of Hell, to be crawled up like a drain pipe till their weight was across his thighs, small powerful hands gripping his shoulders. The flies should be turning his stomach. The boils at least.

And yet.

Their hips would fit so nicely in his hands.

But it wouldn't be nice.

It wouldn't be _Good_.

(Aziraphale hadn't fallen though and he'd screwed a demon seven ways from Sunday. Eight - if some suspect entries on the miracle report were to be believed.)

Well.

This was not ideal.

Had their mouth always looked like that? Did they taste like poison, like rotted flowers, like temptation itself?

The doors pinged open on -6. Gabriel gathered himself as best he could as they stalked past, elbowing him in the side.

"Well. This has been - "

"Terrible, fucking terrible. Stay in your own lift next time or make better conversation." The lift door slid shut before him.

The door inside him creaked. He was _fucked_.

* * *

2.

"Fuuuuck sake. Again?"

Again was actually the fifth time they had ended up in the same lift. It wasn't supposed to be possible. Ever. Let alone five separate occasions.

"I'm not..this is Heaven's lift, Beelzebub. We've been over this whenever we're in the _clean_ one. Don't tell me Hell keeps to a tight cleaning schedule."

They rolled their eyes so hard he was surprised they didn't fall out of their head. He was reasonably sure he'd seen them do that as a party trick at the sole inter-departmental soiree that had been hosted back before Eden had been formed. It was disgusting. They were disgusting. Just look at them. 

Gabriel made the mistake of actually looking at them.

(The door inside him swayed on its hinges. They looked...not _good_. But their collar was slightly open and he could see the hollow of their throat. He wanted to press a thumb into it. He wanted to circle the space with this tongue. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.)

"Are you always such a prick? Jesus Christ."

"Don't bring the golden child into this." Gabriel was surprised at his own vehemence.

"Touched a nerve did I?" They looked very pleased with themselves. (He grabbed the door and tried to slam it shut when the thought that he'd like them to look pleased with _him_ tried to creep out. He'd like them to be touching more than a nerve. The door wouldn't yield.)

Gabriel gestured wide with his arms, filling the space around him as he plastered on a smile, glued it in place. "Absolutely not. The Almighty is welcome to favour Her son over all others. Even if he hasn't so much as shown his face in a staff meeting for 2000 years."

"Guy gets crucified _oooone_ time...." They were teasing him, maybe. He hated it. (He didn't.)

"Do you miss it?"

"What?"

Gabriel had the good (and Great and Ineffable) Grace not to say _being an angel_ \- "Upstairs?"

"Nah. Too many meetings."

"Aren't you on your way to a meeting?"

They grinned. He _hated_ it. He wanted to sink his teeth into their bottom lip, bite the smirk off their face.

"Gonna use the wrong agenda, then dump all the work on Hastur." They laughed. It hurt his ears. He wanted them to do it again.

"Now who's the prick?" Gabriel definitely didn't sound fond. Definitely not. He wasn't fond. _He_ liked upstairs. He wasn't going to Fall.

"Didn't know you could say naughty words." They sounded mildly impressed. He did not preen. Much.

The doors pinged and opened.

"Stay out of _my_ lift." They grinned again. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

3.

It was routine now, familiar. It's not like either of them could ask around about it. So they didn't. They just...rode the lift together.

Beelzebub was always there first. Always ready. They never once looked anything other than vaguely annoyed at the inconvenience of his presence. And yet. They talked. And he talked. And he looked. Not in a creepy way. He wasn't creepy. (Maybe they'd like creepy? There definitely wasn't anyone he could ask about _that_.)

Gabriel was expecting them when the lift door opened but was still caught by surprise. "You look - "

"Fuck off." 

He stepped in beside them. "You're...dressed up."

They rolled their neck. It didn't look comfortable. "Boss wants to see me."

He quarter turned to them. "I'm sure it’s fine."

"It’s Satan, you knobhead, ‘course it’s not fine."

Gabriel adjusted his sleeve, his jacket buttons. He didn't offer to go with them. That would be ridiculous, impossible, patently fucking stupid. And he wasn't stupid. He was the Archangel fucking Gabriel.

The lift stopped. The door pinged open.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He made it a statement, a fact. He would see them tomorrow. Whatever blessed or cursed thing that kept putting them in the same lift would stay blessed or cursed.

It had to.

They weren't in the lift the following day.

Or the next.

He wasn't worried. He wasn't. They were a demon. They'd fallen from Grace, they were the enemy. What did it matter if...

It mattered.

And he didn't know what to do. Couldn't exactly march into Hell with his less than heavenly cause - excuse me, but have you seen..his what? His nemesis? His counterpart who spent as much time as he did cleaning up The Thing they didn’t speak of? His... _friend_? Beelzebub. About three feet tall but could pull your spleen out through your nose without batting an eyelid?

Couldn't exactly _pray_ about it either. Couldn’t be sure that The Almighty wouldn't answer with a reply all. He didn’t want to explain _that_ to Michael.

It would be fine. They'd be fine.

They'd be fine.

* * *

4.

On the 7th day the doors slid open and they were just...there. Untouched. Not a hair in place.

(A sensation he refused to name slammed open the door inside him. The screws came loose from the frame.)

He grabbed them by the lapels on their jacket as he rushed into the lift, yanked them close, kissed them fiercely.

They pushed him off, pushed him back, slammed him into the door.

"Fuck _off_ . Teach you nothing upstairs? You _ask_ first."

"You want me to ask?"

They held at hand firm against his chest. Met his eyes and held the stare.

"You'll ask, and you'll wait for an answer."

"Ask. Right. Yeah." He stood to his full height. It still didn't feel tall enough.

"You're...ok though?"

"I can handle myself."

"I know."

"Don't need _you_ to handle me." They took a step backwards. "Unless I tell you."

"Can I kiss you?"

The lift door pinged. "No." They shouldered passed and walked out.

"You'll wait." drifted back at him.

Gabriel rode the lift up and down for twenty six minutes.

They didn't come back. He was seven minutes late for his next meeting. He hated them. He wouldn’t ask again. (He would ask again tomorrow)

* * *

5.

"Ask me."

"Can I kiss you?"

(Why did he keep asking. He couldn't stop.)

"No."

(It had been four times now, why did hope keep stealing in through a battered door that refused to be fixed back into place.)

"You're an angel."

"I might be the _best_ angel. Sandalphon is checking."

"Fuck right off." He was pretty sure they weren't really as exasperated as they were trying to sound. "Defiling an angel - it'd be an achievement. Fucking paperwork though." They looked down at the floor. "You wouldn't like it downstairs. You'd be insufferable. More insufferable."

"Aziraphale didn't - "

"Those fuckers- " They looked quite ill, suddenly - "Those fuckers have fucking _feelings_."

"Right." Gabriel suddenly felt deeply deeply uncomfortable. He didn't have feelings for them. He definitely didn't. He just thought about them all the time and took the lift nineteen more times than was actually necessary in a day and asked to kiss them every chance they allowed.

Fuck. Oh fuck.

The door pinged open. Paper flitted from their pocket to the floor as they exited. Littering in the lift. Of course.

He wanted to leave it there, he wasn't there to do their cleanup, certainly wasn't _his_ job to pick up rubbish.

He threw his head back in exasperation before ducking to pick up the paper. He was about to ball it into this pocket before he noticed the scrawl on it.

_Back stairwell in an hour. Don't be on time._

* * *

+1. 

The lighting in the back stairwell was hideous, regardless of the floor it was illuminating. But it was largely abandoned. The staff used the front escalators, not an angel or demon to be seen. The water delivery had been yesterday.

They were waiting. It did something to his stomach.

"Ask."

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yeah. But you better be fucking good at it or I'm going to throw you down these stairs."

He wasn't about to be thrown down the stairs.

They came together, hands, mouths - months of whatever it was they weren't doing culminating in -

"Take your trousers off."

"We're in a stairwell!"

"Like you'd have taken them off in the lift."

A push, a pull, a slam against a wall.

"Jezzzus Christ - "

"Do _not_ \- "

"Make an effort - an _actual_ Effort for fuck sake!"

"Can you just -

" _There_."

"There?"

A shuffle, an adjustment.

"Can you bend - "

"I don't bend for anyone. You fucking bend."

"I'm going to - "

"Just _do_ it, don't explain it."

He did. They did. It was - sweaty, and frantic and _sticky_ . And Not Good but definitely _good_. They produced a cigarette from the inside of their jacket pocket. He lit it with a sharp pull from above.

He sat on the stairs. They sat three steps below him. They definitely weren't resting against him in a way that could be described as cuddling, but they _were_ leaned against him. They passed the cigarette up.

"These are terrible for you."

"Leazzzt of your problems now, demon fucker."

Gabriel laughed. It echoed off the walls. "Fuck you, Your Lowness."

They stood, readjusted their trousers, their jacket. Messed up their hair.

They dragged a hand through his hair as they stamped up past him, pulled his head back - stole the smoke from his exhale.

"Let'zzz never do this again."

They left.

He grinned. He'd see them tomorrow. 

(His Grace remained securely within his chest next to a feeling he decided not to name.

The door fell off its hinges.)

**Author's Note:**

> i guess i write ineffable bureaucracy now!
> 
> i'm over [here on tumblr](caffeinechic.tumblr.com)


End file.
